sleepless over the weekend

three weekends and it's fast becoming a habit that i barely sleep during saturday off.. well the difference last weekend was that i started the weekend habit fairly early...
thursday, me and darwin had an argument over me not prepairing his breakfast. we got into a pretty petty fight that even involved some physicall "activity". we went into sleep hating each other so i did not really sleep at all. well, maybe an hour or two..then came friday, we had our interview for the ijp trainer position i applied for. so after shift i stayed at the office till noon. the interview should have started 10am but it started late--as usual. luckily i got the second spot so by noon my interview was over. i had caramel macchiato prior to my interview so sleep escaped me. caffeine + anxiety was proven not to be a good combo because it got me lying in bed till night. as if i did not have a shift that night! i was planning not to go to work altogether. no sleep, then darwin and made up, and we ended up making love (hehehe!!! Ü) so i ended up completely drained.
good thing for energy drink...
saturday morning after shift you'd think that i would have rushed home to be with my pillows and comforter... but no!! we ended up going to macy over in cavite. i was finally able to get a 4-hr nap (or sleep) at around 4pm. soc cooked this really creamy mushroom carbonara. soc and macy are amongst one of our good friends from our old company, svi connect.
i woke up at 7pm and we had a drink, vodka--GOD i missed liqour! haha!! i was hospitalized for 1 month...
twas a hectic weekend cuz came sunday and i went to my aunt's wake. she the sis of my mom who died of complications brought about by pneumonia. her burial is this coming saturday, so i'm planning to take a bearevement leave if ibm will allow me this friday.
that's a wrap!!


...::and the saying goes::...

It is a funny thing about life: If you refuse to accept anything but the
best you very often get it. -Somerset Maugham

just dropping by

nothing much going on in my life nowadays. so far it's been smooth sailing after i was hospitalized. though i am still bracing myself for some unexpected turn around. anyway, it's been great so far.. i finished bloxorz, i was able to complete all 33 stages.
we also finished season 1 & 2 of alias. we mostly have a dvd marathon every weekend. oh, last sunday we went to dinner at mario's kitchen. reyn invited us for a treat but it turned out that lust speak louder than gastronomic hunger so he ditched us. me, flora, jo, and darwin ended up having dinner ourselves. first time at that resto but it was quite ok. we tried the baked oysters in cream chess.. yum-yum. also had some drink to capped off the weekend.


i just recieved some bad news this afternoon. my aunt died. so darwin and i will go there over the weekend, sunday most probably.
may her soul rest in peace now. she have had enough of this world's cruelty. i know she knows that i love her...she will never be forgotten.

..::and the saying goes::...

it's not just the happiness you feel when you meet them,
but it's the pain you feel when you miss them that makes some people
dearest..

gaming

right now i'm in stage 27... haha! this is a game i'm so crazed about that blogging is kinda forgotten... it's called bloxorz--beats the hell outta me on how to pronounce it!
anyway, it's actually a puzzle game that will really have your mind working. it's keeping my mind off for the meantime away from some bugging and irritating reality of life. darwin's attitude is rubbing in on me, and i am not happy about it. i wanted to act nonchalant, just shrugged it off but it's annoying most of the time..i don't wanna think of my relationship right now.
what my focus at is to get out of stage 27 'cuz i'm just 6 stages away of completing this game! wich me luck....

Bloxorz Get the block to fall into the square hole.

Play this free game now!!

...::and the saying goes:..

There are two kinds of people: those who do the work, and those who take
the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

-Indira Gandhi

well, for once i want to be on the second group....

healing after tragedy

i am not really in the mood to blog today, but as i was browsing thru my email, i got this inspiring message, something that i can relate to--especially after what happened to me last month..
the article was about healing after a traumatic experience that the author have had. it was actually about the 9/11 attack, entitled 9 Ways to Heal After Tragedy. the author was Leslie Haskin, and she actually wrote a book about it, titled "HELD"... here goes the steps:

**get out of bed > recovery means rebuilding trust..it's a lot easier to be who you are and to start from where you are..travel this road at your own pace..you will laugh again, dance again, and feel joy again...
**find a safe place in your mind > envision a safe place in your mind that you can run away to when reliving the event gets to be too hard...scaping to that place will help you to breathe through the pain and open you up for God's healing touch...
**be honest about what you remember > it's difficult to keep all the facts in some understandable order because our mind has a tendency to skip from one thing to another.it's important not to suppress the feelings or the events..wrote down everything..writing it all down was the most terrifying thing..
**find a soothing sound that helps you relax > taking some time to relax or meditate after journaling is very important..it will help you to breathe and hear what God is saying to you about what you have written..to aid your relaxation, play a soothing tape or CD, close your eyes, and just listen..
**validate the impact of the trauma > it's important to your healing that you don't downplay the impact that the event or trauma has had on your life and your emotions..acknowledge it..don't hide behind God in a pretense of faith..there are wounds that only you and God know about, and it's time to let Him see them so that He can repair in you what is broken, making you softer to the touch..you can trust Him...
**be open and honest with god > trust Him with your thoughts and the full range of your emotions..this should be a "no holds barred" conversation..God has given you the right and the permission to be honest with Him..He doesn't punish us for telling the truth..
**make God real for you > the idea here is to acknowledge God's power and who He is..first, envision what God might look like to you..then identify a place in your home for you to meet Him and set a place for two..set aside a time every day and meet Him in that place..pull up a chair and read your journal to Him..the reason for doing this is to deepen your connection by making God more than an intangible...
**SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LOVING, PATIENT FRIENDS > you will noticed that i typed the title of this step in big, bold letters. because during the whole hospital ordeal, i was mighty thankful that i have friends like flora and tina who gave me strenght and the will to overcome the test i was in. i may not have darwin at one point of that hospital thingy, but i have my friends who supported and guided me. as what Leslie says, "there are no words to express the value of their friendship during that time.."
moreso on her writing:

Healing is not the same as recovery. Recovery is medically
defined, but healing addresses the restoration of wholeness to heart, mind, and
soul. Recovery is about temporal living, and healing is about the everlasting.

**spend time alone with the beloved > the idea is to keep things simple and to begin them soon..every great goal must be reduced to smaller intermediate goals, which I like to think of as steps..in this journey, we take one step at a time until we reach our final destination..getting there requires going one day at a time and having time alone with God..
i'd like to think that perhaps the reason why is stayed longer in the hospital was because i never got the chance to be alone with darwin. i was badly needing to spend some time alone with him so i can cuddle, feel his loving presence, and that comfy feeling that he always give me whenever i am embraced by his strong arms. i have been with God thru all that ordeal, i am sure about that...

what i really liked about all this is how Leslie differentiate healing and recovery. what i went thru was mainly recovery, i got closer to God the time i was in the hospital but i know that i was not completely healed yet. the times i cried at night when i woke up with all those needles connected to my vein, i talked to God. sometimes i told him i hate the world, oftentimes i thank Him as well for letting me still lived. it was an experience that helped me in more ways than one. health is wealth, yeah, i know that. but what i got was more than physical health; it's something more of wealth of the spirit...

...::and the saying goes::...

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.-Carl Bard"

reminiscing the weekend

got a new phone!

we were scouring for this last saturday with my office friends, and gygie--my girl friend--at megamall that we technically spent the whole day at the mall canvassing. the price range we're all the same, with some stores' offer on the side that varied. but the main thing was they were all unsatisfactory. we ended up singing our hearts out at WOF. apple belted time and tide, and be-ee-e-tter days..we had a blast that we never entertained the thought of sleeping.. me and darwin ended up going to robinson's manila, where my friend bought her phone as well. to sum up my saturday, i spent more than 24 waking hrs just for that elusive phone. haha!! and to think that i just got out of the hospital... wait till my mom hears this..

then sunday we went to sucat to visit the folks. my dog missed me so much that he was crying and wagging his tail so hard. the moment we arrived, he ran towards me and immediately bit my arms, and my palms. the dog won't let go! it was really funny, how the big animal expressed his joy of seeing me again without saying a word. (of course he's a dog, you'd say..). we'd spent lunch with the folks. mom cooked chop-suey, and grilled pork chops.. yumm-mmy!! we left early though, around 430pm, 'cuz we planned of dropping by baclaran church. we attended a mass. afterwards, we would have had dinner at seafood islands market market but my friend had this eyeball thingy that he can't get out of. uhmmm.... talked about lust speaking...

we went to grocery to buy some stuffs, and darwin and i decided to watch alias while drinking some bottles of beer. we used my new phones, and man, the pics were great. no nude photos...not yet, i guess.. hehehe.. god i missed having a mobile phone this good!! and it was really a good phone!! 3.2 MP camera, radio, music player, video recording, internet... the camera was the main factor why i decided to buy this phone...

and after the booze session, i won't tell... it's up to you to guess...hahaha!!

i missed this:

...::and the saying goes::...

"In pursuit of happiness, the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught
up. -R.H. Grenville "

fuming

i just had been to a really INFURIATING call!! x(
imagine spending an hour on the phone for just one customer, fuck, that was something! as if the line of business is not stressful enough, the customer that i got brought it to the limit! he was asking me to do something that is way beyond my call!! meaning he wanted me to do the impossible! God, he really ruined my mood i was setting since weekend is coming up.

breathe in..breathe out... sigh..

mother***ing asshole!!!!!!!! that customer should rot in hell.. and as of press time, the same customer is still on the phone with my supervisor!!! talk about being an insistent jerk.

one more thing that pissed us off, all of our web access priviledges have already been disabled. so for almost 6 hours now, we were just staring at our computer reading company and policy update...duh...boring with a capital B!! even the playlists i have in my computer is starting to wear me off..the access that i have right now is just a taboo....

when will this night end!!!!!!!! leme outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG gay don't cry...

only a real diamond can scratch another diamond. a precious stone that can be harnessed by undergoing thru extreme fire... after what i--we--have been thru i never thought we'll still be together. with the struggles, the need to survive last month, i am mighty thankful that we survived the test.
i can say that what happened last month would really count as the ultimate test in our relationship. we have been thru a third-party thing beginning of 2006. family complications on both of our ends. we have been thru almost everything, from small non-trivial things, to big issues that nearly broke us.
but the incidents last august was near-death. and there was an actual death. darwin's gramps passed away. the man was the one who took care of him when he was a child. he was a great one. and i know how devastated darwin was. plus him taking care of me at the hospital. at that point i saw how strong he is. he always seems strong, carefree, nonchalant, but i know deep inside that he is weak. his physical stance is only a facade. a pretention of what really lies deep within him. honestly even if we are living together for more than five years now, there are times that i feel i hardly even know him. he's just so good in hiding, concealing his emotions. especially if he's sad or hurt, you will have a hard time telling what's going on inside of him. i know he don't want people to think that he's weak. bottom part is that darwin's not the emotional type.
me being bed-ridden while darwin was going thru the lowest time of his life made me feel so pathetic. those were the times that i know he needed me the most. but he explained to me that what matter was my fast recovery. he even texted me "pagaling ka na...i need you..." something that made me feel his love for me.
at one point in my confinement, when the doctors were having a hard time figuring out my ailment, i was so frustrated and i feel so out-of-sort. that was when i asked darwin some space. not because i wanted to let him go, but because i did not want him to see me in pain..for a very selfish reason i said to him that he's the one that makes me sick. which if he would have agreed to give me that space, would have been the biggest regret of my life..
i was so overwhelmed and flabbergasted with how much darwin understood me during those time. i asked him to go, but he still stood by my side. everytime i would hear the song BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY i would burst into tears..

"i hope you know that this has nothing to do with
you...it's personal, myself, and i...we got some straightening out to do...and
i'm gonna miss you...cuz i've got to get it a move on with my life...it's time
to be a big girl now...and big girls don't cry..."

confinement

it has been like, say, almost a month since my last post. thank GOD i was even given the chance to write on my blog again. first week of august i was sick, and i vowed never will i be admitted to a hospital. the sterile room i was soo dreading i finally got to experience...
august for me is really my most unlucky. i can still recall last year the same month, i also had some tummy ailment thingy..now this time, misfortune strucked me twice. after my amoebiasis, and after i was able to go to work for a week, i was back in sicklandia..
august 12 while i was at work, i was suddenly chilling uncontrollably. i went to the clinic, and after the chills were gone, then came the fever. and on it went till i got home. then on the afternoon of august 14th, with some pushing from some friends, i finally let myself be admitted to the hospital. darwin's mom accompanied me to mla doctor's. my fever was running from 38-39, they immediately inserted IV fluids, and i was initially tested for dengue but it turned out negative.. they were willing to send me home but darwin's mom refused to and demanded that i was admitted.
good thing for HMO cards, and i was checked in to a private de luxe room. the moment i was so dreading all my life was finally happening. i wanted to cry, to scream, to tell myself that it was all but a bad dream, but the pain of the needle inserted in my vein told me otherwise.. they ran some tests on me. they extracted blood like every hour. tested my urine. xray-ed my face and my head. checked my temperature and blood pressure every hour, and despite of it all my fever was still incessant. add to the fact that my head was aching and pounding like hell. i never felt pain that real in my whole life. after three days, my left arm was already swollen. the vein where the dextrose was inserted gave in..the pain was excruciating, especially when they injected the medicine for fever and the antibiotic. it did not end there, because they had to inject another needle of the dextrose to my right arm.. damn right it was killing me. and the fact that they were having a hard time finding my vein, did not help either..
the third day, they were able to diagnosed pansinusitis as the major factor that triggered my humunguous headache and fever..but even the doctors were dubious because for a fever to be running 39-40 it could not be caused just by sinusitis. so they extracted blood again and have it tested. this was my fourth day at the hospital and i was starting to lose my cool and patience. thank god after the blood test that time, they were able to find what was causing my discomfort, and VOILA! it was typhoid.
the test kept coming and there was one instance that my fever shot up to 41! at that point, i really wept, and i prayed to God, i told Him i rest everything to Him at that point. i asked forgiveness for all the sins i did, people i have wronged. i thanked Him for basically everything..i was all ready for whatever things that could have happened to me at that moment.. darwin was partying with his officemates while i was suffering thru the whole ordeal.
my friends were very supportive and caring to me, and i was very flattered and touched for that. for once in my life i felt important. loved. cared for... i feel the pressure on darwin as well. i know that he was in pain too.. i mean, at one point of my confinement we had a confrontation. he admitted that he could not take good care of me the way i take care of him. he told me that it pained him everytime a needle would be injected in me. if he can be the one to take the pain of all those needles being injected on me he would...
this experience was something that will really mark a very important spot in our relationship. it made us realize the importance of each other. that we need each other. what we have goes far beyond love.. it's comforting. it's completing...