BIG gay don't cry...

only a real diamond can scratch another diamond. a precious stone that can be harnessed by undergoing thru extreme fire... after what i--we--have been thru i never thought we'll still be together. with the struggles, the need to survive last month, i am mighty thankful that we survived the test.
i can say that what happened last month would really count as the ultimate test in our relationship. we have been thru a third-party thing beginning of 2006. family complications on both of our ends. we have been thru almost everything, from small non-trivial things, to big issues that nearly broke us.
but the incidents last august was near-death. and there was an actual death. darwin's gramps passed away. the man was the one who took care of him when he was a child. he was a great one. and i know how devastated darwin was. plus him taking care of me at the hospital. at that point i saw how strong he is. he always seems strong, carefree, nonchalant, but i know deep inside that he is weak. his physical stance is only a facade. a pretention of what really lies deep within him. honestly even if we are living together for more than five years now, there are times that i feel i hardly even know him. he's just so good in hiding, concealing his emotions. especially if he's sad or hurt, you will have a hard time telling what's going on inside of him. i know he don't want people to think that he's weak. bottom part is that darwin's not the emotional type.
me being bed-ridden while darwin was going thru the lowest time of his life made me feel so pathetic. those were the times that i know he needed me the most. but he explained to me that what matter was my fast recovery. he even texted me "pagaling ka na...i need you..." something that made me feel his love for me.
at one point in my confinement, when the doctors were having a hard time figuring out my ailment, i was so frustrated and i feel so out-of-sort. that was when i asked darwin some space. not because i wanted to let him go, but because i did not want him to see me in pain..for a very selfish reason i said to him that he's the one that makes me sick. which if he would have agreed to give me that space, would have been the biggest regret of my life..
i was so overwhelmed and flabbergasted with how much darwin understood me during those time. i asked him to go, but he still stood by my side. everytime i would hear the song BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY i would burst into tears..

"i hope you know that this has nothing to do with
you...it's personal, myself, and i...we got some straightening out to do...and
i'm gonna miss you...cuz i've got to get it a move on with my life...it's time
to be a big girl now...and big girls don't cry..."