Coyote Ugly

i've had already quite a few number of blogs, hope i can maintain this one...

a couple of years back, there was this movie, coyote ugly. when asked what does it mean, one of the supporting character said that it was the feeling that you go thru the morning after you had a one night stand.. a feeling that i have been meaning, wanting to feel for quite some time now...

i am currently in this five-year relationship that for a while i felt was going nowhere. there was this fleeting, lingering feeling in me wanting more... something...someone..
this relationship is my first (and so far my only). my partner have had quite a few number of flings in the past. let's just say that he was able to play around the field, before fin'ly deciding to settle down with me. me on the other hand was so adamant and so wanting to be able to play on that field. can't say been there done that...
so as crazy as it sounded, i decided to take a peek into that field. i was not expecting for any spark, or immediate connection. it was actually more on sex. the mere fact that for as long as i can remember, i would have sex with someone else aside from my partner excited me.
the idea of doing something illegal, something that was uncalled for thrilled me. i was bold doing something i have never done before. it was liberating, exhillirating, frightening, exciting, arousing, nerve-wrenching--did i mention arousing?--oh yes, all rollled into one. and the mere fact that he is good looking did not hurt either..

so there goes...oops fin'ly i did it...
but in the middle of the dirty deed, the excitement was gone. replaced by this fucking G...yep, it was GUILT.... the world would better off without it as what Jessica Wakefield used to say..
the moment was so HOT, burning even, but the big G, was like a splash of cold, freezing water. right there and then, i stopped. torn, stricken, feeling so ashamed and dirty... my fuck buddy suddenly said what's the matter? i just didn't answer right on the spot. just said sorry. then i got dressed and fled off the room without so much as a backward glance. he followed me still asking if he did something wrong.. of course, given the benefit of the doubt he must've been concerned for i don't know the place..or the fact that we were in the middle of playing fire must have left him hanging, craving for more..
i dared myself not to cry in front of him. he must have guessed, he just said, "..is it because of your boyfriend?" damn right he was!! was i ever that transparent??? i owe him an explanation so I just texted him what's goin' on. for the drama of it, he did not bother to reply. so i guess he just felt dumped and left HANGING, not reaching the BIG OH...
i did not cry.. i willed myself not to.. i wanted the experience. i asked for the feeling.. now i got it.. finally...i will be able to say, been there, almost done it...
something that i will forever hide from my partner. it was something that only I looked and searched for...
i took a bath.. i cleansed myself. physically that was easy...deep inside, the dirt will still be there. it will now be a scar, a spot in our relationship..
it took 3 hrs of carelessness for me to realize that LOVE is far deeper than LUST. i was only looking for divertion...another phase in our relationship...
now i know the feeling.. coyote ugly... i felt much worse.. uglier... never liked that feeling...
i am staying. it felt good to be back to that old comfortable feeling... with someone i love, and loves me even more... Ü