GELousy

wikipedia defines jealousy as that negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety. this feeling normally happens en a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. while jealousy and envy are similar, they differ in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy is about something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from getting...
how aptly the words describe what i am feeling right now... and what's scary is that i am jealous because i am envious... yay, scary, huh??!!!

here's the low down... my partner, darwin met this OL (online friend) that just came home from US. for the sake of anonimity, let's call him OL. so OL and darwin has been spending some time every chance they can. WITH MY PERMISSION OF COURSE!!!! of course, people may say that i am stupid for allowing that. but my point is i don't want my partner to feel caged in our relationship. i want him to broaden his horizon. I DON'T WANT TO SET LIMITS OF WHO SHOULD HE BEFRIEND OR WHO SHOULD HE AVOID. i don't want to set the rules...

BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO CONTROL IT, RIGHT?
but to be damn right honest, i am not happy about this setup. i may have accepted it, but i am not 100% INTO it. the BIG WHY? BECAUSE I GET SO FREAKING JEALOUS.
ok, i don't want to set limits, rules, whatchamacallit, but as partners, i think the other party should also know what's his limitations right?

we had an argument tonight because he will be spending the whole wednesday with OL in Batangas with some of OL's friends. granted that he assured me HUNDREDS OF TIMES THAT THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, i still feel bad about it. i feel bad mainly because i know OL has some teeny-weeny thing for my partner. i feel crappy because he will be with OL on some private resorts with the possibility of him getting drunk and be taken advantage for. i feel bad because i think bad about other people. i think of the negative things other people may do to my partner... i feel crappy because i just could not trust other people so easily.

and what's scaring me so much is that the root of my jealousy has something to do with my envy of the things that my partner and OL have. i envy darwin for his confidence, look, optimism that he gets to attract people easily. of which lots of people wanted to befriend him--or otherwise...i envy OL for the things that he can give to my partner that i cannot--this is on a more material level... i envy darwin that he has wide sets of friends that i get jealous because the friends i have are the same set of common friends that we have (with the exception of multiply contacts). I envy that he can be so insensitive some time and I am always that one who needs to adjust. I envy that he gets a lot of attention that I get jealous with it.

I really feel so hypocrite because just recently I posted something which is very far from what I am thinking and feeling right now…
I wanted to talk to him about this. But how can you say and explain to someone that your jealous without you sounding like a pathetic loser?! How can you make someone be in your shoes when all you wanted for that someone is to be happy in, and don’t feel caged in?

the big questions: is there really a basis for me to become jealous here? Or is it just my reaction towards a possibility of OL getting some intimate moment with him? Or I AM JUST GETTING PLAIN PARANOID?